It's been a long thirty years. I know we've had our differences -- I always thought that you were a semi-competent goon thrust into power by the untimely death of Anwar Sadat, which did make me sympathetic to your superstition that kept the vice-presidency vacant during the next thirty years -- marbruk to you for finally getting past that, by the way. But I'm here to tell you, old comrade, that the day has come, the apricots are blooming, and you've really lost touch and the time has come to step out of power, retire to that Caribbean villa that we all know you've put together somewhere.
How do I know this? Ah, Hosni, you have always been a kidder. I'll give you two pieces of evidence I think that we can agree are incontrovertible.
1) You ask, "Incontrovertible"? Yes, Hosni, because at this point Naawal as-Saadawi and Muhammad al-Baradei have come together to say that you have to leave office now. Given that these two people would normally have trouble coming to a consensus on statements such as "The sun is shining," or "Cancer is a bad thing," each of them taking opposing positions based on the principle of being stubborn bastards who don't much like each other, I think we all must agree that the two of them agreeing on the need for your speedy exit is incontrovertible proof that it is necessary, and possibly, a sign from God (Yes, you're right, I don't believe in God, but even I am forced to accept the existence of miracles when they're right in front of my eyes.)
2) The demonstrations by the anti-government protesters have been, for the most part, civil and highly peaceful after the initial exuberance wore off last week. It wasn't until after you and your supporters bused in several grumpy young men on horses and camels (are you not comping them for their time even though their bosses told them they had to go in and do this? Tsk, tsk) that the protests turned violent. Every news source I look at, from CNN to al-Minar is stating that the "Pro-Government forces are looking for a fight."
(I'd tell you what Fox News is saying, but I refuse to give their hit counters a bump. Though rumor has it Bill O'Riley sided with the protesters while you've got Glenn Beck as an ally. Frankly, when choosing between devils, that's not how I'd like the split to come out for me, but I guess we'll all have to look to Rush Limbaugh as the tie-breaker. You could try sending him any spare prescription pain-killers you have to sway him to your side, but you're likely to just get condemned as a seedy drug dealer. Rush is so darn fickle!)
Anyways, as I was saying, in what universe did this sound like a good plan? Instead of making the protesters look like thugs (by the way, your big speech? Made you come off as something of a prick. I've never been a fan but my mom was decidedly on the fence until the speech, and now she thinks you're a prick too. And she's not nearly as nice as me about keeping these things to herself.) instead you've established that not only are you a prick (whoops, sorry, Mom's a bad influence), but that those Egyptians who support you (or who are unlucky enough to work for people who support you) are also thugs and pricks. You may have been seeking the traditional values vote by only sending menfolk, but those menfolk are throwing rocks at women and small children as well as the usual mob of unemployed young men that you've failed to improve life for in any demonstrable way for the last thirty years.
In short, it's time to go, Hosni. You've had a terrible run. The Bahamas are lovely this time of year, I hear. As a last piece of advice, though -- take a cue from the Marcos': if Suzanne has an out-sized collection of shoes, spend the extra fifty bucks for another bag and take 'em with you. That will save the rest of the world from having to hear about it for the next twenty years.
This entry was originally posted at http://moragmacpherson.dreamwidth.org/60